TRAUMA

Yes, I have returned from a much needed blogging hiatus. Clarity comes in waves of silence, opposite of forced inspiration. In the past several months I have become a wife, I have uprooted my life and moved 12 minutes from the ocean. I’ve left my job and have focused on healing myself, my traumas and connecting with my village via live workshops, classes, and group tarot (as well as one on one sessions). Healing is ongoing in my opinion but my wholeness has arrived. I still have my moments but they don’t grow into their own beings with their own minds. 

My greatest healing has been with my mother. It’s not perfect but there is an understanding now. There is communication and a desire to mend the tattered edges that can tear pages of progress apart. I have birthed a podcast with my wife. Something I’ve always wanted to do but had no idea how to begin. 

My journey has dealt with trauma on several levels and my job as a healer is to tend to my wounds, consistently, to prevent infecting or misdiagnosing those who come to me seeking clarity and guidance. My trauma, my triggers, my healing is my responsibility. This lesson was taught to me during my hiatus. My growth lies in my acceptance of that. My peace, the peace that I was so desperately search of, resides in my acceptance of my healing. 

trau·ma (noun) -a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

My healing workshops have always focused on external elements and how to maintain our balance in chaos that was outside of our control. For a long time, I felt that was my soul truth. I minimized my own growth by rendering my self useless when it came to my deep rooted traumas. My truth at the time was that if it happened in my youth, my childhood and I wasn’t the cause – I am not responsible for that healing process. The adults were. 

*ahem*

I am the adult now and either I want results, and that being my peace and for my light to return or I want pity. I want to stay stagnant and to blame my lack of motion on someone else.

Those offenders in my past have just as much power as I do when it comes to rewriting history. By dropping the ball with myself, I locked my pain inside of a cage with myself and put the key in a hiding space that no one could find. Perhaps it was done subconsciously, by avoiding the healing and most importantly, the release of those toxic feelings, I was able to avoid soul labor. It was too heavy and quite frankly, I didn’t feel it was my responsibility to carry it up that mountain.

If we don’t heal ourselves, who will? Be your own peace. The mantra of “guard your peace” has allowed people to deflect with an emotional wall and call it healing. I call it cowardly and the ultimate betrayal, dishonesty and fear of self. 

What parts of you have you discarded simply because you don’t want the responsibility of healing it? Are you marinating in past pain or are you willing to step into your shadows and gather that trauma so that you can properly dispose of it?

I recently had a client who had become a student of mine who struggled for her entire adult life with forgiving her first husband. Everything he did was terrible, he broke her and ruined her heart chakra according to her. She felt that the healing she needed was on him, not her, because she didn’t destroy the marriage – he did. One day, after weeks of not getting through to her I asked her about her trash bin, was it full and who filled it? She had just returned from a business trip, so the waste belonged to her two teenage sons, and her mother who watched over them while they were away. I then asked her, “so when will they empty the can so your house doesn’t smell rancid!?” She laughed and said “Oh no! I’m doing it now girl. I can’t stand no smelly ass house or junk piling up. Waiting on them it’ll never get done!”

I became silent and then I had her repeat herself. She got my point. 

Your mind, your spirit, your energy, your heart is YOUR home. Once the waste, the trash, the clutter, the trauma, the pain, the unwanted work that you didn’t ask for but it’s there begins to pile up – it’s your home that looks bad. It’s you who has the stench. It would be nice if everyone cleaned up behind themselves, but many don’t but this is STILL your home and the work still has to be done. Leave it unattended and the rodents comes, the bottom feeders such as roaches and flies. The maggots make a home. All because you waited for someone else to take the trash they left behind in you, in your home. 

Are you ready to clean house?